“Is fatherhood a popularity contest?”
Perhaps some of us fail as Fathers because our own did not teach us by example what fatherhood requires.
My own father was not able to show emotion because he was robbed of his childhood by his father. He was angry at having to become a father figure to his 9 younger siblings at the age of 14, having his education stolen from him to step into a role that was not his to play.
Yet, as I a child I had no real knowledge of that.
I was not supposed to know his pain.
He was 41 and my mother 38 and had they been told that she was not able to bear children.
I was originally diagnosed as a possible life-threatening tumor and in many ways I have been that over my almost 70 years here.
My failure as a father was seeded in this drama as my desire to please and receive love failed repeatedly to reach through the walls he built to protect himself.
I say failure as a father only in the fact that it was not about my ability to love but to live up to expectations that were created by my own wanting to please and receive paternal love as a child.
The damage was passed on in a total state of unawareness with my own daughter being born when I was 18 years old.
As much as I loved my daughter she could not understand that the paternal pattern which she was born into was damaged many lifetimes ago. Nor did I understand that either.
So this is a release for me as I will not win the Most Loved Dad Award
On this day or any day in this lifetime.
Yet I know that I loved you Shannon
more than anything in life
You were the sunshine in my life
until the clouds became too thick
the storms too frequent
the downpour of tears became floods
and the separation could not be avoided
by either one of us
Perhaps in another space or lifetime we will reconcile our differences and be able to listen to each other.
We are not that different from each other and I hope you are at Peace today.
Thank You for all that you are… wherever you are
You Are Love my dear child and can pretend to be anything you want
I honor that in you